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Pissing into the Win

Posted by in Oddventures, Short Stories | 0 comments

Business has adjourned. Deciding that the homeless lifestyle is very unbecoming, I’ve struck a new, more lucrative path into the unknown world of trying-a-bit-harder, as my peers seem to do, without flinching or curling into tight fetal balls on their pleather couches; crumb-breaded in kettle chips.

With what will I make rich-like endeavors? Who knows for certain, but in the meantime I will take meetings of all kinds, assuming anything is possible; whether it be as a Boy Scout Leader, Displeasure Attendant (of some kind), or Manipulative Salesperson…perhaps the best one of any given year.

Using a cooperative work environment as my home-base, I took a lunch meeting at 12:45, knowing in full capacity that I had a phone call at 2:00 with a newly formed business associate. Over lunch, we discussed modern aquariums, plastic molding of novelty toys, even spent some time on the most tight-lipped strategy for approaching a horse of an unknown origin.

I certainly didn’t expect dragging things out for longer than an hour, but as it typically happens in weird movies, 1:50 approached behind a blurry montage. I wrapped the conversation up much more quickly than would be appropriate or common to courteous folk.

I bee-lined to my auto from the restaurant and pressed pedal against metal. Three blocks into my return to office, I felt genitally Thunder-clapped. It was as if swarming killer bees were suddenly wanting escape from my skinhive.
I had to piss like a Niagra Park Ranger.

‘FUCKING’ my call, I pulled into a business district on the first available turn and immediately into a parking spot at the business entrance/exit. I speedily manipulated out of my hipster jeans and undies in a whimpering exhale, and slipped my bell-end into an empty Vitamin Water bottle. SWEETEST RELIEF…but for just a brief moment, as the bottle reached it’s apex in a few short seconds.

Managing the transition into the second bottle proved to be tricky and costly. My prostate failed to seal the eye of sauron and I blasted a healthy few ounces of urine all over my hands, arms, and automobile seat. Passersby may have been treated to a pocket-sized rendition of the Bellagio Dancing Fountains. I groaned remarkably as I finally threaded the needle, inserting my raging fire hose into the second Vitamin Water bottle. From once there were two deliciously brewed vitamin rich energy drinks, there now boiled a gold-glistening bodily fluid.

Vitamin water piss poster

Tapped, sealed, and finally expunged of piss; I pulled my wasted jeans back to my waist and went Top Fuel back to the office. I was greeted by a business contact at the front door, hadn’t seen that fucker in years…sure fucker, have yourself a handshake and salty pat on the back.

As best as I could, I showered myself under the timed plunger sink faucets and attended to other pressing business. I won the day, as I slapped hides on my ass and jumped onto the saddle. Off I galloped into the sunset aboard a horse from previously unknown origin.

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