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Woman Claims Teleportation to Cook Pasta Sauce

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For Immediate Release

San Diego Woman Claims to Have Teleported

San Diego, California – August, 20 2012 – A San Diego woman, who would like to remain anonymous, has claimed to have broken the time continuum and teleported to her home. She has been training for marathons over the past 18 months and believes that this has allowed her to gain enough running speed to escape into a wormhole.

Scientists have debated for years whether or not teleportation is a feasible means of speedy travel. Both military and private funded agencies have tested a variety of strategies in moving objects via lasers, disassembling and then rematerializing cells in another location through data transfers, and through simple hot-nasty speed. The ‘San Diego Teleporter’ claims to have been coaxed into an all too familiar formula of time travel:

“I got really really wasted and on my walk home I ran into a bee swarm. I was afraid that they were killer bees, so I began running faster and faster to (escape) them. The next thing I knew, I was at home cooking pasta sauce.” -San Diego Teleporter

Though the teleportation is only a firsthand report, it is concluded that if the runner eclipsed a running speed of 88 MPH with a BAC of .088 to avoid bee stings, it is scientifically plausible that she could have teleported home to cook pasta sauce.

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